Journey to myself

I woke up at my father’s place in Kayseri, well rested. I went into the kitchen and started preparing breakfast for us. While having breakfast, my father and me started discussing the past. The evening before I had connected via text with one of my brothers (on my father’s side) for the first time. This had made me pensive. For the majority of my life, my father had lived, just 20mins away from me, yet he never – never came to see me. This is unforgivable, my brother had said. So why do I seem to be able to forgive him? Since I arrived in Kayseri, I concentrated on the present, instead of being stuck in the past. Had I worked through all the trauma during my four and a half months journey or am I suppressing feelings of anger and disappointment? The thought however, that tortured me the most, was: with forgiving him, was I betraying my mum and all the hardship she went through?

After breakfast the family was gathering downstairs at my aunt Yüksel’s place. Here I also met another cousin – Yasin. Yasin, is a Darbuka (a Turkish drum) player. He gave a little performance and also taught me how to play, while slurping on filter coffee and nibbling on Baklava.

As the inner storm, still had not cleared, after the drumming, I went cycling. During this journey I got used to spending most of the day by myself on my wire donkey, out – out in nature. I was craving nature, solitude and stillness. To clear my head, I decided to cycle up, one of the mountains, surrounding the city – Alidag, with a height of 1857m. Back on the bike I felt free, my mind was strong, my body however was weak, after almost two weeks without cycling. A steep gravel road was leading up the mountain. I thought back, back to the many times I had cycled up steep mountains, with my heavy loaded back. Cycling up this mountain, I could not help, but admire my willpower and strength, having come that far. I cycled here!

When I came closer to the top, the path to the top of Alidag, was covered in snow. Hence I decided to cycle up, to the top of the neighbouring mountain – Tekcakil. Nothing better to clear your head, than ascending up a mountain, on a gravel road, I thought. When reaching the top, I was towering high above the City’s Highrises. Suddenly a van arrived, and with it a group of paragliders. I watched one after the other run towards the edge of the mountain and then glide slowly through the air towards the city. How scary, I thought, just running towards an edge and then trusting, that something will catch you and carry you through the air.

With the sun setting on the horizon, I made my way back home. Before I entered the apartment, I took deep breaths and wondered, if the ride managed to remove my negative thoughts. My father in the mean time had cooked a beautiful dinner. I could feel how he wanted to spoil me, wanted me to forgive him. He was serving soup, accompanied by a salad, self made hummus and oven baked cauliflower. To conclude the meal, he had prepared chestnuts. I recognised and appreciated all the effort he went through and my spirits lifted. We chatted about our school years, while slurping on sage tea and nibbling on hot chestnuts, before we retreated to bed.

So long – görüsürüz from Kayseri!