Journey to myself

I woke up in my bed in my father’s holiday flat in Tece. Slowly I opened my eyes, reflecting on my dreams I was lying in bed, leaving the dream world behind. While scrolling through social media, my father, who was in the room next door was calling me – calling me on the phone. Without picking up, I got dressed and left my room. When I saw my father, I laughed and said ‚controlfreak‘. He said he was worried about me, because he could not hear any sound. I then prepared breakfast and chatted to Marco, while my father went to the bakery. Marco adored a paprika paste my father prepares for breakfast, so he decided to prepare it once more, before Marco says his farewells. After a big breakfast it was time for Marco to jump back on the bike and carry on cycling. It was wonderful, to reconnect with Marco and to chat about the next chapter of our journeys.

After Marco had left my father and me drove to Decathlon, to check for a water filter. Once again after much time spent together and little time for my own personal space, I tried to explain to my father, that I needed time for myself and that I wanted to be alone. Facing this problem over and over again, I noticed that I still was struggling to demand my personal needs. Doing so I felt mean and felt like I am pushing him away, when the truth however was, that my batteries were empty and needed to be recharged, by having space. My father who did not want to spend time by himself, tried to “cheer me up” with flowers, as he could not understand my need, maybe I was not explaining it very well. When he during a conversation said that “we are the same” I snapped and I said:”no we are not, otherwise you would understand, that I need space and give me some.” I was clearly struggling and he then finally understood: he needs to give me space.

At home he prayed, while I was searching for refuge in the bathroom. When he left, I was home alone. Originally I had planned to go for a walk at the sea, when I had the place to myself however, I realised that this was, what I wanted and needed – To be completely alone. I set on the sunny balcony with the view to the sea, opened a beer and worked on my journal. Slowly I felt better. Withdrawing that’s all I wanted. It was difficult for me to explain to outstanding people, how much I was craving serenity and loneliness, which I had encountered regularly on this journey while camping and cycling. Explain how stressful cities and traffic was for me. I also missed the exercise – I knew leaving my father behind would be incredibly difficult for him and for myself. But I knew it was out of question.

When he came back from his outings, I was still sitting on the balcony writing. He put a chocolate heart in front of me, tesekkürler, I said. I could see how he was spoiling me. Of course I was grateful for all the treats he bought, but I wished he would understand, what I really needed. He then cooked spinach börek. During a chat after dinner the past came up, when I talked about how we were struggling, he first got quiet, followed by a sound of pity that sounded half hearted. This reaction made me angry, I stood up and did the dishes. Thinking back to the past, I was boiling inside.

So long – görüsürüz from Tece!